I Thought Running Would Make Me Worthy of Love

Endurance sports are having a moment. Run clubs, marathons, and ultramarathons have never been more popular. In North America, ultramarathon finishes have roughly tripled since 2010, exceeding 150,000 runners last year, according to UltraRunning magazine. I understand the appeal. I spent years competing in some of the world’s most difficult endurance races, finding satisfaction and eventually a professional career in seeing how far I could push myself. But as more runners test their limits, I hope they’ll also ask themselves what they need those achievements to prove. For me, winning became a way to feel worthy of love. Every finish line offered reassurance that lasted only until I started worrying about the next race. It took losing my professional running career to understand why I needed that reassurance so badly. The story began long before I laced up a pair of shoes and entered a race. Divorce and my parents’ own troubled upbringings made my childhood difficult. As an adult, I can now see that my parents were unable to provide the safe, nurturing, and stable environment a kid deserves. My young mind came to a conclusion that many children do: I must not be good enough the way ...